This is a personal post so if you are looking for tips on how to leave the past behind and move on – not a post for you. Just a heads up.
Earlier today, I was pretending that I am being interviewed (because that’s just what I do when I am bored) and I asked myself what is one question that I hate being asked about, or one thing that I hate talking about the most.
And the answer came very quickly.
I hate talking about depression and anxiety.
The past 10 years of my life have been spent talking about those two topics and I am completely tired of them. Especially, when I get asked about my mother and how I was bullied in school. It can’t get any worse than that.
And I get told by so many people around me that I should write about it – even write a book – and talk about it often – maybe even in videos. To be honest, I would rather shoot myself in the head. I know they mean well and I absolutely see why they would suggest something like that, but I still cannot put myself together and start writing about it.
For the longest, I identified with who I used to be because it was easier that way. People knew me as this sad, depressed girl who lost her mother, wanted to kill herself and dropped out of school. For the longest, I pitied myself and pretended that that’s all I was. That that’s all I could ever be.
It’s much easier to be who people knew you to be, then to suddenly be who you are right now.
I mean, just a few days ago, I was visiting my aunt with my friend, and while we were sitting and drinking water, she talked and talked and talked about how we are all souls and everything happens for a reason and how god is watching over us. She knows that I am an Atheist but she still continues to tell me that I should trust in the power of love (aka god).
All of that because she claims she has evidence and when she says evidence she means faith. She has faith and she has feelings.
I used to be heavily indoctrinated by the New Age cult – which I am feeling pulled to write about in depth soon – and I never questioned anything. Me and my aunt would talk extensively about angels and god and the law of attraction, we could go for hours just talking about the supernatural.
So now that I am critical of her claims, I am not interesting anymore and I find myself quietly listening and nodding along rather than defend my position and question her about why she believes something that is built on personal experiences – which mean nothing when you know the basic psychology about how human mind works.
It’s the same with veganism. Although I may seem very strong in my belief and how I live my life, I am actually very submissive when it comes to interacting with those who know me for decades. I still play along and let them talk down to me because of how I eat and what I shop, simply because in the past that is what I would have done.
10 years ago, even five years ago, I would never dare to question what I was told and taught. I would never even dare to think about being a sceptic when it came to god, or to question whether or not going to the ZOO was morally acceptable.
I had morals; I just lacked the confidence to confess them out loud.
In the last few years, I have been tested quite a few times about where I stand and how much I trust myself. I was tested to see if I am able to leave the past behind and move on with the person I am today.
When you have been a certain way for many years and then suddenly you change, you finally see who is a keeper. Of course, people can leave because they do not agree with you anymore, that is normal and welcomed as I would do that too, but some will leave because they just don’t like that you are different.
People don’t like to see you explore the other side. People don’t like to see you question the beliefs you share.
But I find that to be the most interesting part of life.
I have always questioned things and remained open. Not as open minded that I would lose my brain, as Richard Dawkins would say, but quite open-minded actually.
Another thing that I am learning about myself lately and finding the confidence to speak up about it is that I am finding myself having some conservative views on life. Not many, thank goodness, but some. And that is a challenge because the second you express on the internet that you share an opinion with Ben Shapiro, you are immediately unfollowed by 50 people and labelled a racist or a Nazi.
But people change.
The past is the past. I cannot remain identical to who I was when I was 10, 18, or 23. That would be a mental suicide. To not learn anything. To not question anything. To never rebel.
It’s not fair to keep quiet about my current self. It’s not fair to lead people on and not tell them that I don’t agree with them.
That was a little rant. A confession of some sorts.
Leave a comment below if you found anything useful.
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p.s. – If you want to know how to help animals in 12 different ways, read this post here.