Yes, we are talking about suicide today.
If this makes you uncomfortable you should still read it because people are dying all around you and if we paid more attention, we could perhaps save some of them.
The fact is, I am suicidal most of the time. I am not even pretending anymore that it’s just an occasional thing because that would be a lie.
A few months ago I seriously considered overdosing on some of the pills I gathered over the years. It gets bad every few months and there are only three things that keep me sane enough to not give up.
I want to share these things with you today.
Obviously – even though I know you are smart enough to know that – I am not a professional, a doctor or anyone who has a license in anything.
I am just a troubled woman with a dark past and even darker diagnosis. But above all of that crap, I want a good life and I believe I am capable of helping myself through helping others. It’s my rent for being alive.
Here are 3 things I do when I feel suicidal:
- I find something to look forward to.
I fell in love with FC Barcelona in early 2008 so as a football fan I always have an important match to look forward to.
It brings me so much joy to watch their daily training videos and to read threads on Reddit about what other people thought of the goals we scored.
Knowing that El Clasico is around the corner or that an injured player is coming back, gives me something to live for.
You don’t need to wait for the birth of your child or until you earn your first million, just pick something you love and find a thing about it that you can look forward to.
- I postpone my suicide.
Yeah, I can do it today, or I can wait until I am 30 or until my dog dies or until I get to see that movie.
I was reading on Reddit the answers to the question about why people who once felt suicidal didn’t kill themselves and someone said he was just too lazy to go through with it.
So, yeah, you can do it today, or you can just postpone it for a few months or years until you get to really figure out the best way to do it.
I’m sure someone is finding all of this super problematic but it’s what keeps me alive. I promised myself that I’ll do it when I’m 30, so I just gave myself two and a half more years of life.
Genius, right? (If you are triggered please don’t send death threats as this would not be on-brand with this post, thank you).
- I refuse to let my abusers win.
If I die today, people that are abusing/bullying/gaslighting me will (pretend) mourn for about 3 months and then move on.
I would be dead and they would feel like I truly was a loser like they keep telling me. People wouldn’t know how much I suffered because even after my own death they would continue gaslighting me.
I simply cannot let bad people win. I may want to die but I still have my standards and a vision about what I want people to say about me when I’m gone. I can’t be the bad guy in this scenario, you know?
I’m not going to remind you that your life matters because we hear it all the time and if we are being honest, it changes very little about our situation.
Most of the time those who try to convince us that we should continue living have never experienced being suicidal and wanting to end it all.
I would advise you to find a psychiatrist, get on the pills and go to therapy. I talk about my experience taking antipsychotics here if you are interested in how they help me, and here I share my best tips for finding a psychiatrist you like.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help if you know you need it. You are truly brave to admit that you are suffering and want it to stop. It is fucking brave to want to speak up about the darkness in your heart.
We have to normalize talking about psychiatrists and medication. It is crucial that in the next 10 years we become a society that is celebrating humans who are actively seeking help.
If we don’t stop this silencing of suicidal individuals and pretending that oh we didn’t know how bad it was, we will lose many more people.
I saw my uncle in a body bag after my father found him hanging in the attic.
I babysat his children when their mother was crying every single day. I saw the note he left, telling them he loved them.
People commit suicide because they are hurting, because they are alone in a world with 7 billion humans. When no one is listening, why would you want to continue existing?
I share this because being honest about how often I fantasise of hanging from the ceiling or choking on my own vomit helps me get it out of my system.
If you know about my secrets, maybe I will feel more motivated to survive because I will want to show you that it is possible to stop this dark desire.
I always feel so vulnerable when I write about this. I hate that.
Anyway, I hope this helps you hold on a little longer because aliens are not here yet and we both have to stay alive to witness that, okay?
P.s. – I like to bring humor with me when I write about serious things, I hope you caught it.