Back in 2015, I experienced a life-changing moment while watching the movie Kingsman.
I suddenly felt the need to become an actress.
It’s not as silly as it sounds since I was always a whore for fame and show business and I practically grew up with an idea that I will be a pop star.
Competing in singing competitions, singing in a choir, training dance in various dancing schools and getting my face in any newspaper and magazines I could, this was something I took very seriously.
But by the time August of 2015 came, I stopped fantasizing about it and realized that I don’t want it anymore. So this urge I felt to act was a bit strange – just a tiny bit, though.
Something about that movie made me want to express myself and become someone else to tell a story. I was so impressed by the acting and adventure in Kingsman that I wanted to be a part of that world of art.
So I found an acting school in the nearest city and by early September I was already going there weekly. The people were nice, the coach was calling me Tanyusha and since that made me feel Russian I was even happier (I love Russian language and names), plus I knew that I have to train if I want to act.
Long story short, I was going for a few months, took a long break when my anxiety became too strong and then came back after a while. I was going to an acting school for like a year and a half altogether, I think.
Before I tell you why I stopped going to an acting school, though, I first want to tell you about three things that I’ve learnt there. It was a really good experience and I am happy that I got to feel like an actress for a year.
Here are 3 things I’ve learnt in acting school:
- Being able to keep eye contact is probably the most important communication skill. We had to stare at each other’s eyes for minutes and it brought us even closer when acting. You cannot hide when someone is looking you straight in the eyes and thankfully, I never had a problem with that. My parents taught me from the young age that eye contact is the most important sign of respect so I am very good at it – maybe even too good as too much eye contact can mean you want dominance.
- Acting is not about pretending, it’s about channelling the person you are playing. We only did improvisation, no scripts at all, so we got paired up and had to come up with something. When we had to later act and tell a story, I learnt that the more I pretended to be someone else the more I felt trapped and fake, but the second I just channelled the person and didn’t pretend to be her but rather do things I would do if I were like her, it was flowing and I felt my imagination was running high.
- You need to separate yourself from your character. This was something I wasn’t really able to do, as I had a very hard time acting when someone was touching me. There was this man that had a scene with me and he had to touch me because he played my husband, and I felt so uncomfortable being touched by him that I cried during the scenes. I couldn’t separate myself from the character because if I could, I wouldn’t look at him as a man touching me, Tanja, but as a husband touching his wife. But instead, I was too attached to who I am in real life that I was shaking and crying when being touched by him.
As I said, I loved going to acting school and it was something that made me really happy for a while, but it had to end sometime.
The lessons were getting too repetitive, the coach was too emotionally abusive towards other students (especially girls), and I wasn’t growing as an *actress*. I was stuck and uninspired.
I also realized that I could never find meaning in acting, as I find it entertaining and beautiful but not life-changing. There are many things that are going to create positive change in the world, but acting is not one of them.
I would feel useless if I were to dedicate myself to acting because I didn’t find value in it. It was a nice dream to have and a lovely experience, but I was not in love with it. I wasn’t passionate.
Have you ever felt like that?
Anyway, if you do want to learn what things can actually bring positive change to this world and you want to be of service to Mother Earth, check out my other posts that are about environmentalism, or simply follow me on Instagram for inspiration.