Photo source: httpscreenertv.com/character/sam-winchester (also for the Pinterest image below)

Here it is. The very last season of Supernatural has arrived and soon our boys will, hopefully, find peace.

I am planning on writing a tribute to the show where I will talk about how I started watching it and how it impacted my life, but this will come next year when the show is over.

For now, you have this post and the one I wrote about animal rights and what the boys taught me about activism that you can read here.

Today, I want to talk about Sammy and the legacy he will leave behind in my eyes and heart. For some people, this might have been just a show, but for some of us this show and the boys we watched represent bravery, courage and the will to continue to live even when death sounded so sweet.

If you’ve been dealing with depression while watching Supernatural then you can probably relate to me when I say that seeing how Sam and Dean never gave up, helped me to continue fighting as well. Just because someone is fictional doesn’t mean they can’t have a real positive impact on our life.

I started watching Supernatural back in September of 2009 when I would sit in front of our TV and search for something to entertain me. Since in 2009 there were only 4 seasons out of SPN, the TV station I was watching the show on just kept repeating the first 4 seasons over and over again.

I fell in love with the boys and their story and soon begged my cousin to download every season as soon as they came out. I probably still have those DVDs somewhere that I can watch if the Internet turns against me.

Although I was a Dean girl from the start – hey, he is the one girls go after first –, I could always relate more to Sam. He was the one that read books, chose salads over bacon and loved to study.

But there was something more that drove me towards Sammy.

It was his dark side, his trauma.

How the loss of his mother changed him, how he always tried to prove himself to his overly critical father and how he always felt like an outcast. Me and Dean may both be older siblings that eventually replaced the real parents, and I do know how Dean feels and why he is broken, but there is something about Sam that connects us.

Sammy never felt like he was good enough. No matter what he did and how he did it, there was always something missing, something that he could’ve done better. The criticism wasn’t coming from Dean, who loves him more than he loves himself, but from someone Sam looked up to even more. His father.

John turned the boys into machines; two broken beings that put everyone else before themselves. They work harder than anyone on this planet and carry the future on their shoulders. If he were present in their childhood and if he just listened to them for a single second, they might’ve avoided mental illnesses that they developed.

I don’t need a psychiatrist to diagnose them; I recognize depression when I see one.

So when I developed serious clinical depression and I was fantasizing about suicide, I kept holding on to the rope because I knew that’s what Sam and Dean would do. I always say that there were three things that kept me from killing myself: My love for Bruno Mars, my faith that god had big plans for me, and Sam and Dean.

But while my love for Bruno Mars didn’t last forever and I eventually became an atheist, the Winchesters never left. So whenever I reached that peak of depression when I was so close to ending my life, I decided to just hang on a little bit longer.

Watching Sam being so willing to die in the last episode of season 8 titled Sacrifice, and telling Dean that all he could think about was how many times he let him down, broke my heart. I knew exactly how he felt, and I knew exactly why he wanted to die.

Jared Padalecki made Sam a symbol of survival in my eyes. Not only has he been open about being depressed himself but he also brought the most vulnerable side of Sam to life in the most heartbreaking way possible. I think we all feel Sam’s pain precisely because Jared knows how depression feels like.

Sam Winchester is important to me because he proves that you are always stronger than the demons in your head. He also proves that no matter how many times we fucked up, there are always more things that we did right.

Most importantly, Sam proves that it’s okay to be just a human. It’s okay to be hurt and to admit that you are suffering.

Sam and Dean have saved humanity from death way too many times than we can count but not for one second have they pretended it was easy. Not for one second they pretended they were stronger than they were. They showed us that life can be really cruel but that no matter how bad it gets, what helps us get on our feet again is admitting that we can’t handle it.

Because when we admit it, we can seek help and ask for a shoulder to cry on. That’s why they have each other.

I hope we all find our own Sam or Dean. Someone that will be our partner in crime and in peace.

The show will end soon but the courage I learnt from Sam never will. He always did his best and no matter how much he was hurting, he always knew right from wrong. His big heart and compassion for others is something that made him relatable. Because those of us who are struggling with depression are still humans and want the best for others.

I hope that Sam and Dean die in the last episode. For real this time. Maybe because I don’t want to think I am missing out on their further adventures or maybe because that would finally mean peace for their souls.

Or maybe because I’m hoping this will remind me that suffering won’t last forever.

Before you go, can you pop over to Instagram and follow me there? We can cry over the boys together in the DMs.

Tanja

sam winchester