I never talked about this before because I felt like it wasn’t important.
After all, the way I self-harmed didn’t cause me to bleed or pass out. I just did it to punish myself and get the anger out. I felt like I would be taking away from those who were cutting themselves as this is what people think about when they hear that someone self-harms.
So how did I do it?
I lost control of myself – like absolutely lost every control of my actions and thoughts – and started punching my body and my face. With full force, and when I was really angry I focused on one spot and just kept punching it until it hurt so much that I had to stop. Sometimes I started hitting myself in the head in hopes to cause a seizure. Usually, I just ended up with a bad headache and dizziness.
I don’t think there is anything scariest than that moment when you are in full rage and you can’t stop yourself. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn’t stop. It was like I got possessed by this darkness – which is how I called depression and now trauma.
But this didn’t seem like self-harming to me. It lasted for seconds and it was such a quick change of emotions, from upset to full on rage to relaxation, that I just blocked it when I finished. I released the anger and I moved on.
It wasn’t until I was reading an article that I learnt this was self-harming. It’s not just about cutting your wrists, it’s so much broader.
I never told anyone about it. I lied to everyone because I was afraid they would put me somewhere and locked the doors. I held it to myself because I knew this only happens a few times a year and it’s not my choice of release every time there are too many emotions inside of me. It’s not a regular thing, so in my head that made it alright.
The last time I did it was probably a few months ago. I don’t remember it but it has been a while. I don’t know if it’s passed or if I am better at handling my emotions now, but I haven’t used my fists to harm my body in a while now.
I still feel it though. Very rarely, but it’s still there.
Here are 2 things I do when I feel the urge to harm myself or when I feel I might be getting in that state where I lose control:
- I start punching a pillow. This was something I read in one of the books by Louise Hay back when I was in the New Age cult. She wrote about how to release anger we should just start punching our pillow and get it out of our system. I don’t do it anymore as I am not that angry now (mood stabilizers are working y’all) but it really worked most of the time.
- I stand completely still and force myself to feel the need to punch myself. I just let it take over me and possess me. Eventually, it slowly releases and the urge disappears. It’s not the easiest thing to do but it’s something that you learn in meditation. Just observe the urge and emotions and let them exist. To learn more about meditation, here is a post I wrote.
If you are self-harming and are seriously hurting yourself, please seek help. Professional help is available and you need to take care of yourself.
The first step in healing is admitting that you have a problem. Please try to get to that place where you are honest about your situation and your struggles.
I know my story and the way I was self-harming isn’t that serious as yours might be, but I still want you to know that pills and therapy can do wonders. They can help you make progress – even if just a little bit.
Don’t rely solely on books and yourself because there are trained professionals who will take your call for help very seriously and will help you get through this dark path. And pills are a gift from medicine as they can really do wonders when you are feeling down.
I am sending you light and love and I wish you recover from that darkness within you. We didn’t choose this suffering but we can choose to move towards healing. There is so much beauty out there to witness and the world is too beautiful to miss out on it (just look at these clouds!).