Today I want to talk about why depression sucks and yet how it cannot become an excuse for our shitty behaviour.
Trust me, I am an expert on being an asshole while depressed but I am finally ready to own my mistakes. At 30 years of age, it is kind of the time, you know?
This year is all about reflecting on my past choices and recognizing when I’ve been wrong. It feels right because, for the past 3 decades, I just looked at ways I’ve been wronged, not how I messed up.
Depression sucks and it absolutely ruins your life if you have it. I should know since I’ve been suffering from it since the age of 9. But only got diagnosed with it when I turned eighteen.
Because of it, I acted like a monster at times, and when you mix it with undiagnosed and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, you have a recipe for disaster.
My sisters suffered the most as I would yell at them and worse of all, use them to do things for me because I was too depressed to do them myself. This still haunts me to this day.
I would verbally abuse my younger sister and threaten her if she didn’t go to the store to buy me the stuff that I wanted. Just because I was unable to do things due to my depression it did not give me the right to be awful and mean to my baby sister.
It makes me cry just thinking about it. I was awful, awful, awful to her.
For years I tried excusing it by saying that I was just depressed and unable to do certain tasks by myself. That I was this poor little human who was good deep down so it didn’t matter that I abused my sister.
While depression sucks, it doesn’t mean we are allowed to do anything we want simply because we are suffering. I know this is easier said than done, but try accepting it.
Your choices are still your choices.