I was thinking of someone I used to love and care about deeply a few days ago. Someone that I mentioned once or twice here on my blog already.
And I was thinking of how much I fucked up the relationship we had. Sure, they fucked it up too (big time), but I was focusing on my side of the friendship. How did I mess it up and how did I cause it to end?
It made me pretty ashamed of myself if I am honest with you. The ways in which I acted towards them were absurd, horrible and pathetic. I was a mad woman, all around.
But what hurt the most, was that I could no longer get in contact with them to apologize. Well, I could email them but face-to-face apologies are the best kind of apology. They are gone, in another country, living a different life with different people around them.
The only memory of me they have is that of a crazy unstable person that didn’t know better. And as much as I wish they could see and meet a different, better version of myself, it is most likely not going to happen.
To forgive yourself for your past mistakes means letting go of that past self you once were. It means moving on from something you are not anymore and moving towards the next version of yourself.
The truth is, you are making mistakes right now. Yes, you are currently making a mistake that one day you will regret and look back at wishing you wouldn’t have done it. But you don’t know what that mistake is just like you didn’t know past mistakes were wrong at the time.
Can you see how that works?
You are constantly upgrading, evolving and growing. All the time. Therefore, people are always meeting you at different stages in life and when your paths separate, they fail to know your higher versions.
That is why at different stages in your life, you are meeting new people who are teaching you how to take the next step. I had to meet that person in order to become who I am today. Literally, actually, because after they left me I started my spiritual journey and recovery from BPD.
All the messy parts that used to be a part of me, are now replaced by current messy parts. I am all the previous versions of me and none, at the same time. I am forever changing, except in memory, where I hold all the past versions of myself.
Forgive yourself for your past mistakes through this realization.
You are already free.