Although I sometimes call myself or my actions crazy, it really bothers me when someone else describes me as such.
Because I know they mean it in a derogatory way, especially once they know that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Yes, I have BPD.
I wrote about it before at length but today I mainly want to focus on the reasons why having it doesn’t make me a crazy person.
You see, I developed Borderline because of trauma and this deep fear of abandonment that I have. My childhood was one big mess and I had no choice but to develop symptoms that kept me safe, or so I thought.
When I act in ways that are inappropriate or hurtful, I do so because it is the only way I know how to react. Yes, DBT helps and so do meditation and other practices, but I am still in recovery.
What you imagine as crazy behaviour is merely a reaction I have to triggers that remind me of my childhood abuse. It is my way of feeling protected, even if it is wrong. To me, this is what home feels like.
Trust me, I am working on it. I don’t want to hurt you and make you feel like shit. This is never my intention, even if it seems like it. It is just my response to what I perceive as a threat to me.
So please, do not call me crazy. Do not mistake my calls for help for danger, and most importantly, do not think you know how I feel or why I do what I do.
Yes, I have Borderline. No, I am not crazy, just misunderstood. Misunderstood by you, the medical community and sometimes even myself.
But I am still a person. A human being who deserves to be given a chance based on who I am, not on what I have.