16 things I tried to manage my BPD (rated honestly).

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2019, after two days of testing about which I have plenty to say. It’s not that I disagree with the diagnosis; it’s that I know two days were not nearly enough to make sure they got it correct. They did, but it was luck and not proper testing.

I just wanted to say this because it took me years to understand people who feel distrust that psychiatrists always had good intentions. Not even good intentions, just the necessary facts to put a label on someone that can ruin their life.

Learning what was happening to me was helpful because I could finally know why it happened, how it happened and how to manage it. When you know how to name it, you can face it properly. Up until now, I called it “the darkness”, but now I could finally put a name to it and read what people online had to say about their experiences.

My psychiatrist made sure to tell me that it is not a death sentence and I am not doomed for life, with no way out. I even joked during our first appointment that I feel like a psychopath, to which she assured me that I am not. It was nice to hear it, but it didn’t make me feel less dark and afraid.

Every time I hear someone talk about people with BPD as manipulative and dangerous, I want to shake them and tell them how painful it is and how little I think about hurting others. Yes, our illness can push us into doing bad things, sometimes very bad things, but most of our lives are just mental pain after mental pain after mental pain.

Living for years, if not decades, with undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, which not only includes BPD but also depression and social anxiety, can drive you absolutely insane. So once I knew what I had and what people said helped them, I was all in and ready to try everything.

I was willing to do whatever I could to feel better and maybe reach the stage where I can get my diagnosis removed. 7 years later, it remains in my medical records, but I blame the healthcare system for this because I see my psychiatrist twice a year if I am lucky.

Free healthcare (which is not free) is good, but the long lines are not. Right now, in the year 2026, it has been over 15 months since I saw my psychiatrist, and because I could not go to my appointment in early January, I got rescheduled to September. No shit, she can’t remove it when she has no idea how I am doing because I see her for 15 minutes once a year, twice if lucky.

Healing was on me, because she could give me the medication, but therapy cost up to 400€ a month, and this was an insane number that I could never afford. Not then, not now.

My mission was to heal and live a normal life, so I took what I could get for free, and then I invested money in things I could afford, like workbooks. The other free things, tools and resources I got online or from libraries. Or just nature, you know.

Here is a list of what I did, from small to big, stupid to scientifically proven, ranked and reviewed. They are not in order from best to worst, but you can just look at scores and see which ones I loved and recommend.

1. I was on various medications for about 4 years. That included two antipsychotics (Quetiapine and Abilify), antidepressants (Prozac and another one), and a mood stabiliser (forgot which one). Antipsychotics, especially Abilify, saved my life, and I owe everything to the inventors of them. I would’ve been dead otherwise. To be clear, I wasn’t on them at the same time, but I tried various ones until I found my combination. In 2019 and 2020, I was trying out an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser, which both gave horrible side effects, like bloody nose, whole body rashes and swollen lymph nodes. Then in 2020 (the timeline might be a few months off because it’s been a while, and also so many pills!) I started Quetiapine, which made me a zombie, but I needed it. I quit after 7 months due to severe back pain and only took it when my insomnia got bad. The winning combination, which came with side effects but was bearable, was when I started taking Abilify sometime in late 2020 or early 2021 and combined it with Prozac in 2022. While they saved my life and helped me get stable, the long-term side effects, like a stroke or heart attack, made me quit after 3 years, and I hope I never have to get back on them again. 10/10
2. I’ve been meditating on and off for well over a decade, and while I don’t do it currently, it has been helpful in the past. I’m a fan of Sam Harris, who kind of convinced me that it’s okay for atheists to meditate, so I always used his app Waking Up. I am someone who likes background noise or guidance, and as I said, being a fan of Sam, his voice was truly what kept me meditating for many, many years. I wasn’t new to meditation as I did it before, but this was a whole different level. Before, I was mainly practising to get god to talk to me (read all about my brief New Age phase here), and now it was to reach that state of oneness. 7/10
3. One of my passions is buying books and workbooks from NewHarbinger. I’ve bought many (work)books about DBT, CBT, social anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and a few about Borderline Personality Disorder. Because I love writing and journaling with prompts and questions, I found them incredibly valuable. One of my obsessions is also those checklists they include inside, and I love checklists to tell me what to do and when. 7/10
4. Analysis of my dreams using Jungian psychology. By this point, I think every person who has been following me for a while knows that this has been a life-changer and stands beside antipsychotics as the most crucial tool for my recovery. The post on this is coming soon, so stay tuned for all the details! 10/10
5. Going for walks in nature, as well as hiking, is my spiritual practise as I almost worship our environment. I wrote in the past here on Substack about my deep yearning to connect with my animalness, and being amongst the trees is one of those actions that helps me fill up this need. I love hugging trees and talking to them, although I won’t pretend I am insane and believe they respond. There are times when I cry when I see trucks with logs on them, because to me, these are corpses. I do love a log house, though! 10/10
6. I enjoy reading books with spiritual messaging that is less about spirituality and more about inspiring, motivating or mindful content. My favourite books that I re-read often are Waking Up by Sam Harris and Mindfulness by Joseph Goldstein. I also enjoy early works by Martha Beck (only early works, as later she just kind of loses that spark and becomes so political that it feels preachy and annoying). I also find a lot of value in reading Ryan Holiday’s books on Stoicism. 5.5/10
7. Spending time with people and socialising instead of being alone. This one was difficult because while I am close with my family, we are emotionally not as close, if this makes sense. We are constantly talking to each other, sometimes even on a daily basis, but the emotional connection is lacking. But talking and hanging out with my family has usually cheered me up, unless it ended in a fight, then it obviously didn’t. 3.5/10
8. Attending therapy for about 8-9 sessions with a nun, because that was the only free therapy I could get covered by insurance. While she gave me one piece of good advice that stuck with me long after we stopped seeing each other, it was just like talking with my dad about my issues (even though I talked to her about my dad). Seriously, all the things I told this woman were things I told literally every person who has ever asked about my childhood. I’m not going to judge therapy based on this one experience, but it wasn’t the best, especially since after 8 sessions (with 3-4 left), she said that we have done the work and I don’t really need it anymore. 2/10
9. Journaling is an interesting one because I am not a fan of free writing, but if you give me prompts, I can write for hours. Even when I write for my blog or here on Substack, I need an outline and know exactly what I will write about. I am one of those people who find freedom in planning, routines and instructions. I mostly journaled with the help of workbooks that included prompts, questions and ideas on what to free write about. 3/10
10. Being creative and doing what makes me lose track of time. This basically means writing here and on my blog, which I have been doing since 2014. Being of service to other animals, the environment, and other people is something that brings me deep meaning and purpose. I cannot imagine not writing, and when I go through periods of not engaging in it, I know that something is wrong and I need to look within to see what is happening. I took a minor break in January, and when I came back after two weeks, I started writing these long posts because so much has piled up in me. 10/10
11. There is scientific evidence that spending time with non-human animals makes us happier and healthier. In 2010, we adopted our dog Chuck, and then in 2015, 2016 and 2017, we rescued our three cats. Chuck, my greatest love, who left us on 14th of December 2023, was my greatest love who kept me alive. I lived for him, and his death forced me to face loss in ways I’ve never been faced with before, and I lost my mother, my nonno and my uncle in 2010. Now, I have my 3 cats who help me stay focused when things get rough. Having someone to care for and wait for me at home brings me happiness and joy. 10/10

    

12. One of the things I tried, although not purely for mental health, was exercise and body movement. As I mentioned, I love walking and hiking, so going for walks to get the energy out and to clear my head has been incredibly beneficial. I also tried yoga and Pilates, but walking and hiking are two things that bring me the most joy. Putting on my sneakers and going out for a fast walk or slow jog is fucking challenging when your mind screams “stay at home”, but once I am in movement and sweating or breathing faster, I am thinking better. Also, doing deep stretches or fun Pilates brings that good ache that makes me want to suffer. 7/10 (3 fewer points because I am only ranking things for mental health and not physical)
13. While I was never a coffee drinker, I do love instant cappuccino. The fat and the sugar make me feel comfortable, because I started having my “cappuccino time” while watching Friends or Dexter, or some other show I love, like Psych. My mind now correlates cappuccino with relaxation, so every time I just hold a mug in my hands, not even drinking it, I am calm and less stressed. However, the fact is that caffeine makes you more anxious and increases your heart rate, which, mixed with my severe social anxiety at the time, was a disaster. When I noticed how much better I felt after I went for weeks without drinking cappuccino, I went with no caffeine for months at one point. I still drink it occasionally, and my anxiety is pretty much gone compared to how severe it was a few years ago, but I do take regular weeks-long breaks now to give my heart a break. 2/10
14. The internet is filled with the worst of humanity, propaganda, bots and artificial intelligence. To say that there is anything positive about it in 2026 is a fucking lie, and we have to stop pretending we get anything beneficial from social media. No matter who I listen to and how entertaining a podcast or YouTube video promises to be, there is still a political agenda behind it, and I don’t remember the last time that I listened to something that had zero politics in it. I could listen to a show on grass, and someone would mention how “conservatives are destroying our soil” or how “leftists want people imprisoned for walking on lawns”. Making my Instagram private, which means I spend less time on it as I don’t post anymore, and deleting my Pinterest has been the first step towards more grass touching (no relation to the podcasts). Everyone is a Nazi or a communist, and no one wants to actually talk and find common ground on the most innocent topics, like planting trees. After October 7th, I also realised how terrorist-infected most places I used to enjoy, like Reddit, are, and that made me not want to read my favourite subreddits. In a way, all the evil online helps me be a better person because I spend less time engaging with it, so thank you, Nazis and communists (the actual ones, not just anyone I don’t like). 10/10
15. My father became radicalised during the pandemic, which led to us fighting all the time about vaccines and masks. I suffered greatly during the quarantine because I was stuck in a tiny apartment with him, and after he quit his job (he was a detective for over 30 years), he was at home all the time listening to the worst conspiracy theory podcasts and videos. When he moved out to be with his partner at the end of 2022, I could finally breathe and heal from all the fearmongering I was forced to listen to. When I would hang out with him afterwards, and he mentioned vaccines or masks, I would clearly say, “Dad, I don’t want to talk about this, and if you continue, I will leave”. And I did. Just months ago, I reminded him that I want him to respect my boundaries because it is the only way we will have any sort of relationship. Setting boundaries and telling him when he crosses them, and then leaving if he doesn’t stop, has made me more confident. 10/10
16. The final thing on this list is listening to podcasts about people with Borderline Personality Disorder and how they healed. If you asked me this a few years ago, I would claim it was life-changing, but it quickly turned into something that made me even angrier. Sadly, I had to accept the fact that many people who claim to be healed are not healed, but are there to spread anti-psychiatry propaganda, claim medication is meant to enrich big pharma, and convince you to believe in god. I saw these people monetise from the first episode and put behind a paywall everything, which proved that it was money that interested them and not helping others. I hate that I fell for this scam, and how I supported creators who began claiming enlightenment to sell “cures for BPD”. Never again. 1/10

As you can see, I really tried a variety of things that I heard and read about. I don’t regret any because they all contributed something, but sometimes I wonder what I could’ve achieved if I knew right away what would work. Of course, we all wish we could do that, but “mistakes” are lessons of their own.

At the moment, I am pretty into Jung and dream analysis. Also, as always, I rely on trees and nature to ground me and remind me of my role on this planet. I don’t want to be back on medication, ever, so this motivates me to find solace and “cure” in natural remedies.

As I get older and feel my symptoms have less and less power over me, I just want to do things I love instead of what I am told works for BPD. I did that, some of it worked, and I have no interest in feeling forced to do shit that doesn’t make me happy. At this point, I am okay with never being “healed” because my diagnosis doesn’t reflect my current state, you know?

I think you can have an illness and be as healthy as someone without it. However, I will not stop until my medical record is clear because I want to be safe from it being used against me in worst case scenario. But that’s a topic for another day.

Anyway, this has been my journey so far. When things change in a major way, and I find something else that I want to share, I will be back. For now, though, I really do love Jung and his theories about dreams and synchronicities.

Tanja